You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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