Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
