i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
