Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
