but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
