Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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