My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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