I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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