cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I am spending my child support on dildos
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
