Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
