You made me cry and you don't even care
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I just found a bag of teeth...
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
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