Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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