new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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