omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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