Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
