She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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