i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
