her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Dick very happy bro
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
