shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
