I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
