the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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