He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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