I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
So apparently I’m into choking now
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