Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
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He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
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The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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