pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
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