I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
