proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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