i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
