i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
