I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Come back. Shots need mouths.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
