My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
