I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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