I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
The struggles of a small town man whore
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
