i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
