Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Randomize
