I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I bet he comes in French.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
