guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
