She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
