last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
