it hurts more in the daytime
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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