My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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