i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
