drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
