I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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