i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Randomize
