The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
