Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
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