Apparently you make a good broom.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
