New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
