Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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