we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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