Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
