You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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